Ethereal Standard Time?

I watched Ghostbusters II this evening, and found myself bothered by a couple of typical movie conventions that came up in the course of the film.

First, the plot centers around a cosmic plot that involves the coming of the new year.
Let's get this straight right now: New Year's Day represents exactly one thing in a cosmic sense - that the earth has yet again reached an arbitrarily chosen point in the its orbit around the sun. And here's the funny thing about arbitrarily chosen things: Their very nature as arbitrarily chosen precludes the possibility of them having some sort of deeper significance, no matter how hungover you are.

What's even more galling about it is the concept that anything from the ethereal plain or the religious afterlife would give a flying rat's ass about the new year. Presumably, these things which harness and use powers we can't begin to comprehend aren't bound by humanity's arbitrarily designated descriptions of time. Hell, I'm not bound by the dates in my appointment book, and I'm not even some sort of psychic, much less a demigod, angel, or other transcendental creature.

The second of convention that really gets me is that everything relies on local time in the movie. For instance, the antagonist in the movie is able to reincarnate himself at the beginning of the year. But apparently the entire ethereal plain is bound to Eastern Standard Time, because it's not like it was 12:01 on January 1st in Tokyo 13 hours before it was in New York City.

So, what the hell? The antagonist is a 17th Century Moldovan tyrant whose spirit has been stored in a painting and is planning to reincarnate himself via a psychomagnotheric plasm. I mean, if he's from Moldova, why is he stuck on Eastern Standard Time? Why not Moldovan Standard Time? Why not use a little bit of that resurrection power from the slime to do it at any damn time that pleases you? Is resurrection via slime like an international flight? If you miss it are you that screwed? (I guess missing the international flight is still worse. At least if you miss the resurrection you're just dead, but missing a flight back home means that you'll have to deal with airline personnel.)

Oh, and on the subject of time, was I the only one who got pissed off in American Treasure when they did the whole shadow casting on a spot at a certain time thing? It would only work for like a week out of the year, courtesy of the earth's 23 degree tilt on its axis. Lazy bastard writers fit in the daylight savings workaround, but they never managed to explain that one.

Anyway, I figured I'd share this with you in yet another example of my Knowledge Ruins Everything Series of Blog Posts.

Also, I guess that I should give fair warning that I will be offering free throat punches to anyone who decides to ask why it is I'm completely comfortable with slime that can make the Statue of Liberty walk or a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence, but clearly really pissed off about such trifling matters as time zones. That's for me to know and you to never ask.

George W. Bush for MLB Commissioner

I expect every single one of you to get behind this campaign. Here's why:

It's the best thing for the players:
His steroid reform will be just as effective as his entitlement and immigration reforms were.

It's the best thing for the owners:
If he increases the league's budget by even 1% of what increased the federal budget, they'll be happy campers.

It's the best thing for baseball:
He can't be worse than Bud Selig and he's bound to be more entertaining.

It's the best thing for this nation:
Banished Roid Rage Players
+ War On Terror
= Win

With thanks to McCoy for the inspiration.

Love Letter

My, dear, sweet, intoxicating lady:

I write you today to express my affection. (And to beg for sex, but we'll get to that later.)

I have struggled to find words to tell you how I feel.

I began by thinking that I could compare your beauty to that of the stars. They are, like you, celestial gifts that look over us all, inspiring lovers and poets to new heights of hyperbole when describing their aesthetic perfection. Unfortunately, it is also true that the words "enormous" and "gaseous" describe stars, and in my experience you have not enjoyed being called either. God knows I wouldn't want you going supernova on my ass, so I chose to pass on this particular comparison.

I wondered if a rose might serve as an adequate basis for comparison. How could something so beautiful, something that reminds us of the most valiant and valorous in the human spirit, ever fail to do you justice? Sadly, I realized that any man may have a rose simply by taking it. I then remembered that last time I accused you of having this property, you tried to stab me in the face. I, thus, sought a different metaphor.

I thought that perhaps Helen, she of such beauty that nations moved to war, could serve my purposes. What greater tribute could I make than to hold you up to the pedestal of history and compare your beauty to that of a woman who made even the gods feel insecure? Apparently, any tribute would be finer, as you wouldn't talk to me for two weeks after discovering my point-by-point comparison between you and Angelina Jolie. I still can't understand why you were so upset. You came in ahead by two points, after all.

Despairing, I decided that any sort of comparative venture might prove to be a failure. At this point, I had a true epiphany: Like a unique snowflake, you are one of a kind. Like an abstract painting, a description of your beauty cannot be marshaled by such simple devices as similes or metaphors. Like the river a man tries to cross twice, you are never the same. To compare you to anything is a futile venture. And as experience has taught, it also invokes your wrath.

Now, as I wallow in irony and horseshit in equal parts, I hope that I have appropriately set the mood to subtly insert the most devious of innuendos. I wish to say just enough to whet your appetite, while appearing to all the world (and your protective father, in particular) to be extolling your beauty. So, my lady, ponder carefully the various meanings of my entreaty. It draws upon eons of repressed attraction, the countless longings of time's endless supply of lonely souls, and a wit that the Bard himself would envy.

Please, my darling: I want to do you.

See? Barely noticeable. The daft old man will never catch on.

My darling, my love for you is a never-ending river of inappropriate metaphors, absurd similes, and remarkably bad imagery. If there is any truer definition of love, I know it not.

Yours, always and forever, so long as you put out,
-tj

Four Reasons Obama is Still Popular

Via Twitter, I found this post on four reasons why President Obama is still popular with the public. In short, they are:

1. Effective Speeches
2. Continued campaigning
3. Appealing to the intellect of the American people
4. Optimism

First, I'll point out that my list of reasons President Obama is still popular reads like this:

1. ABC
2. CBS
3. CNN
4. NBC

Second, I'd like to call bullshit on numbers three and four.

The man is consistently telling us that this nation will go to hell in a hand basket if we don't pass whatever ridiculous spending bill he wants next, and that he will cut the deficit in half after spending 1.5 trillion dollars.

(A) That's not optimism.
(B) That appeals to people's fears, not their intellects.
(C) My intellect leads me to feel repulsed by the claim that you can cut the deficit by increasing spending by 1.5 trillion dollars. That's kind of like appeal, right?

In fairness to the author, I will point out that the post was off of a marketing blog and is more interested in examining the leadership practices than the political or policy issues at hand.

In fairness to me, I'd like to point out that I vomited when I read it, anyway.

Adwords Fail

Five Reasons We Should Reconsider This Whole Democracy Idea

1. This woman can legally vote:













2. This man can legally vote:













3. Some voters need to be told not to drink this stuff:
















4. This man was governor of Illinois:















5. These men have served as President of the United States:












Any questions?

Life Lessons

From the Denver Post:

Wonder if Wilt Chamberlain ever felt bad about putting up 100 points
against the Knicks in 1962?

A Texas high school girls basketball team on the winning end of a 100-0 game has a case of blowout remorse. Officials from The Covenant School, a private Christian school in Dallas, are trying to do the right thing by seeking a forfeit and apologizing for the winning margin.

Thursday on the school's website, the head of the school, Kyle Queal, said, "It is shameful and an embarrassment that this happened." He went on to say that Covenant has made "a formal request to forfeit the game recognizing that a victory without honor is a great loss."

Last week, Covenant defeated Dallas Academy 100-0. Dallas Academy has eight girls on its team. It is winless over the last four seasons.

A parent who attended the game told The Associated Press that Covenant continued to make 3-pointers — even in the fourth quarter.

Queal said the game "does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach to competition. We humbly apologize for our actions and seek the forgiveness of Dallas Academy, TAPPS and our community."

The Dallas Academy has accepted the apology and said it is excited about some of the attention it is receiving from the loss, including an invitation from Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban to see an NBA game from his suite.

Ouch.

As if a 100 point loss wasn't bad enough, now these girls are being taught life lessons that can only be a disservice to them:

1. If you lose badly enough, people will feel bad for you and reward your poor performance.

Just ask the French. They got bailed out of two world wars this way.

There is no excuse to teach a young person this lesson. It transfers all too easily from basketball to real life. "Maybe just being an alcoholic won't be enough. But if I manage to become an alcholic, prostitute, single mother, drug addict, and cripple all in one week... then, someone will coddle me! I'm going to need a feather boa, fishnet stockings, some hypodermic needles, a bottle of vodka, a baseball bat, and someone who is willing to use all of them on me."

Not only are they beign showered with pity, these girls are getting their first win in four years! Why? Because they managed to elevate losing to a new low. Consider this analogy involving real-life consequences, and tell me which one doesn't fit:

A. You fail at work: you get fired.

B. You fail at love: you get dumped.

C. You fail to follow traffic laws: you get a ticket.

D. You fail to drink responsibly: you puke.

E. You fail to play offense, defense, or anything resembling basketball: you win by forfeit and get to go to a Mavs game in the owner's suite.

If you said "E," congratulations! You live on Planet Earth with the rest of us.

2. None of this was their fault.

They lost. 100-0. One hundred. To zero. In other words, during the course of the game, they never even managed to get off a single good shot. They never managed to draw a foul and then sink a single free throw. They never once drove to the hoop to make a lay-up. They never so much as accomplished a single thing that a basketball player should. Admittedly, it was probably excessive for the winners to be draining threes in the 4th quarter. But to attribute the "shame and embarassment" of this debacle only to the winning team is an insult to athletics, the concept of competition, and anyone who has ever been better at something than someone else.

Imagine how simple minimizing this pathetic performance could have been. What if the girls from Dallas Academy (henceforth refered to as the "losers") had done nothing more than thrown a few hard fouls when Covenant (henceforth refered to as the "winners") kept shooting threes? I'll bet you after a couple of those winners would have thought long and hard before shooting from outside the arc again.

3. People paying attention to you as a result of your failures is good.

The Academy is apparently "excited" about this attention. Insanity, I say!

I will grant that in Hollywood, they say that there's no such thing as bad press. That's because their job is to be famous. Thus, being by being in the news, Hollywood celebrities are doing their jobs, regardless of the personality flaw, emotional outburst, or criminal act that resulted in the coverage.

A school, in the meantime, shouldn't be in the news for fostering such ineptitude that its players are incapable of winning even once in four years, then capping such an extraordinary under-achievement with a 100-0 loss. You know what this tells me about Dallas Academy? They don't care about winning. As I've mentioned, this isn't the kind of thing I want children taught. In fact, this type of lesson is the very reason a lot of kids are removed from public schools in the first place.

So, let's do these girls a favor. Instead of giving them hugs and kisses and a fake victory and telling them that everyone thinks they're special, let's show them some real love and tell them the four lessons they should have learned:

1. You lost by a very wide margin. You should have performed better.

2. You do not have to like that this is the case. In fact, you should not like that this is the case.

3. The solution to the problem of feeling bad about losing is to improve to the point that you win. Winners don't have to feel bad because they didn't lose.

4. Unless, of course, they rout an inferior team, at which point society will demand they apologize for it. So, if you're gonna stomp 'em, stop at about a 75 point margin. 60 if you really want to be safe.

Austin Expenses

My check card statement tells the tale of my weekend in Austin with a far greater reliability than my memory:

BAR – Paid for drinks

BAR – Paid for drinks

BAR – Paid for drinks

FAST FOOD – While caloric requirements have been met and surpassed by beer, I believe some sort of nourishment from another source is well advised.

BAR – Paid for drinks. I hope I was buying rounds at this one because otherwise this number says something bad about my consumption of alcohol.

BAR – Paid for drinks.

MINI GOLF – Awesome.

BAR – Paid for drinks, courtesy of a mini-golf bet. Weak.

BAR – Paid for drinks.

BAR – Drinks.

BAR – I cannot imagine that my signature was legible at this point.

BAR – Drinks.

BAR – You guessed it: drinks. And apparently peanuts. Who knew bars charged for those?

BAR – Drinks.

BAR – Drinks. I must be on charming bastard when I’m drinking, because this charge would be for “bail” otherwise.

BAR – Drrins. Not a typo. Completely incapable of polite speech at this point. Apparently bank statements reflects that kind of thing.

BAR – Drinks.

BAR – Drinks, and apparently a rather large bribe to the bartender for making the drinks strong. Or for wearing a low-cut top. Likely the latter. OK – definitely the latter.

BAR – I think my liver has cut its losses and fled town.

BAR – This one was at the airport. Gotta survive the flight home somehow, and it's too late to be responsible three days ago.

REHAB – Touché, substance abuse counselors. Touché.