I am a Rectangle with Four Sides of Equal Length

Education has ruined rock 'n roll for me.

Let me provide a few examples of songs that are less fun when the listener knows a little too much:

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing by Jack Johnson
In this song, Jack laments that "lovin' somebody don't make them love you." Instead of enjoying the melody at this point, I cannot help but notice that the pronoun and antecedent are not in agreement. To correct this, I'll sing, "lovin' somebody don't make him or her love you." This completely ruins the rhythm, but does get the pronoun to agree.

Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress) by the Hollies
In this song, the singer is working for the FBI. Right before he sees the aforementioned long, cool woman, he is about to call the "D.A. man." Unfortunately, this doesn't jive. The FBI would be working with a federal prosecutor, not a district attorney. I guess we can forgive the mistake, as the Hollies were English, and it's possible that they didn't know the difference. Besides, the song would sound much worse if he were a constable about to call a barrister.

Eight Days a Week by The Beatles
I actually don't have a problem with this song. Adding an additional day to the week seems like a completely legitimate use of hyperbole to express the depth of John and Paul's love. I was just hoping to play on your perception I could be that big of a tool, which couldn't be that much of a stretch after what you just read.

Blues for Yesterday by Charlie Musselwhite
Charlie, at the beginning of the song is riding into the setting sun. In the next verse, he notes that the moon is rising near the sun. Astronomy students will tell you that the moon rises in the East and sets in the West, just like the sun. Thus, if the sun is setting and the moon is near it, the moon must be setting (not rising!) as well. Of course, if this were to change, life on Earth might be radically worse, which would explain why he has the blues for yesterday.

I really hate myself for noticing these types of things.

A Philosophical Dialogue

The Cast:
Bailiff - A burly man, his philosophical interests center mainly around people rising.
Judge - A no-nonsense ruler of his court room, he would wear a powdered wig if he could afford one.
Prosecutor - A cynical, heartless bastard. One of the few lawyers who was even before law school.
Rescartes - A brilliant man, his philosophical ideas are almost identical to those of Rene Descartes with one small twist: Rescartes is a serial killer.

BAILIFF: All rise!

JUDGE: Be seated. I understand we have an interesting case today.

PROSECUTOR: Yes, your honor. The defendant has told me he will refuse to enter a plea due to unncertainty.

JUDGE: Do I understand this correctly, Mr. Rescartes?

RESCARTES: Yes, your honor. I cannot enter a plea because I am not certain that what I am accused of doing actually happened.

JUDGE: Then you want to enter a plea of not guilty by mental defect?

RESCARTES: No, sir. I don't believe we can know whether any crime occurred.

JUDGE: A young woman is dead, Mr. Rescartes. She was stabbed. By you. In front of a priest, a nun, and a rabbi. Do you think they were lying?

RESCARTES: I do not question their honesty, sir. I question the accuracy of their perceptions.

JUDGE: All of them have 20/20 vision. You handed them your driver's license to examine after you finished, and the blood sample you provided for them matches your DNA. I hardly think you are the victim of a case of mistaken identity.

RESCARTES: I do not question that they perceived what they say they perceived, I question whether they accurately perceived what they say they perceived.

JUDGE: So, they all suffered from a delusion?

RESCARTES: Such a nasty word, delusion. I prefer to simply cast doubt on their perceptions by noting that our senses can deceive us. Something far away can appear small, but actually be large. Ipso facto, the senses cannot be trusted.

JUDGE: I fail to see the connection between the properties of light waves and the veracity of a statement by a man of the cloth.

RESCARTES: It stems from the notion that if we can determine that one of our senses might deceive us, we ought to reject all that it tells us.

JUDGE: That may be the standard you wish to use in your life, sir, but it is not the standard of this court.

RESCARTES: But it is exactly the standard of this court.

JUDGE: No, Mr. Descartes. We use the standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt.”

RESCARTES: This doubt is reasonable. It was arrived at through the use of reason!

JUDGE: Equivocate in my courtroom again, Mr. Rescartes, and I will hold you in contempt.

RESCARTES: But, your honor, how can you be certain I am even here to be contemptuous?

JUDGE: I can’t. And you can’t be sure that you are either, if I get your drift. Thus, you shouldn’t be too worried about me locking you up because you won’t be sure you’re incarcerated.

RESCARTES: That hardly seems like a fair application of my principles, your honor.

JUDGE: Tell it to the appeals court, Mr. Rescartes.

RESCARTES: But if I go to jail for this, it greatly increases the chances of a negative outcome in my civil case, sir. The parents of this girl seem to think that the fact that she ended up in an ambulance means that I owe them a hefty sum of money.

JUDGE: Ambulo ergo sum, eh?

RESCARTES (Scowling at the pun): Something of the sort. I urge you to reconsider.

JUDGE: No chance, Mr. Rescartes. Go to jail.

The judge bangs his gavel, Rescartes is taken away, and the next case on the docket is called.

Lessons Learned in College

For those who doubt the value of a college education, I'd like to share brief snippets from some of the classes I've taken. They provide a mere sampling of the voluminous knowledge I gained in pursuit of my degree. Please feel free to substitute this list for the course catalog if you want to know what is taught in a given class.

Philosophy 2030: Theories of Mind
Captain Kirk is not real.
Fortunately for those who run Star Trek conventions, one must take a philosophy class to learn this.

Physics 1120: Electricity & Magnetism
If a charged particle moves through a B-Field, a force acts upon it.
Apparently, this is true even if there is not a runner on first.

Economics 1030: Business & Economy
Despite his ruinous economic policies, Kim Jong Il still thinks North Korea is a great place to live.
This is largely because Kim Jong Il's economic policies can be summed up as "give your possessions to Kim Jong Il."

Philosophy 3010: History of Modern Philosophy
If God can create existence ex nihilo, he can certainly blink a deer out of existence.
This information is particularly pertinent to those in wildlife management fields.

Astronomy 2030: Black Holes
Hawking Radiation is a major turn-off.
While the mechanism by which black holes radiate energy is fascinating, it is not a suitable topic for a first date. Trust me.

Political Science 4241: Constitutional Law
By the Acts of Congress of Feb. 28^th, 1795, ch.36 (1 Stat. at L., 424), and 3d of March 1807, ch. 39 (1 Stat. at L. 443), [the President] is authorized to call out the militia and use military and naval forces of the United States.
In retrospect, this is obvious. I'm embarrassed that I didn't know it until I took this class.

Philosophy 1440: Introductory Logic
It is fallacious to say, "Given that if JFK was murdered by the CIA, then JFK would be dead, and given that JFK is dead, he must have been murdered by the CIA."
It is shockingly easy to disprove conspiracy theories.

Lessons like these that taught me that the real value of education is not found in the wisdom you gain, but in the diploma you earn.

Mission Statement

My hope is that what I write here proves to be more interesting than reading someone's grocery lists.

I know it's not a lofty goal, but it's more realistic than saying that I hope what I write here connects with people in such a way that I gain a world-wide following and can enjoy the fabulous wealth that results. The truth is, this is an exercise in self-indulgence. I love to write. I love when people read my writing. It's, as they say, killing two birds with one stone.

So, please, help me kill some birds.
-tj