A Dialog Concerning Things That Go Bump in The Night

[Ed stirs in bed, waking Mary.]

ED: What was that!?

MARY: What is it, honey?

ED: I thought I heard something.

THIRD VOICE: You heard nothing.

ED: Oh, perfect! Back to bed then.

MARY: Didn't you hear that?

ED: Hear what?

MARY: That voice.

ED: Yes. But he said I heard nothing and put my concerns to rest. I intend to follow their lead.

MARY: But you heard him! He's something!

ED: Conceded. But that was after I thought I heard a noise that could indicate some sort of malfeasance afoot. The voice was dissimilar enough to assure me that it wasn't the same noise I thought I heard, so I'm quite happy to return to sleep if you'll let me, dear.

MARY: But couldn't he have been what you heard in the first place?

ED: Based on the dissimilarity of the sounds, I doubt it. Particularly given that I have now been assured that I did not, in fact, hear a first noise. The voice could hardly be responsible for something that didn't happen.

MARY: What if he was what you heard in the first place? Might not the same thing be responsible for two sounds?

ED: You seem to keep forgetting that I don't believe the first sound existed. The question hardly seems relevant when I will only admit to hearing one sound. However, if it will set your mind at ease, I speak for the moment as if I had heard a noise before the voice. In that case, I don't believe that there is any compelling reason for you to believe that the two noises are connected.

MARY: You heard one noise, then the voice seconds later.

ED: If I were to sneeze right now and the neighbors' house exploded moments later, would you accuse me of blowing up the neighbors' house?

MARY: Hardly! But -

ED: They operate on the same principal, darling.

MARY: But surely the two being so close together in space and time must make some difference.

ED: So if I were to sneeze in the neighbors' house, I would then be responsible for the ensuing explosion?

MARY: No. But there's a chance you could have if your sneeze somehow caused a spark due to static electricity which subsequently ignited natural gas that had rather unfortunately accumulated in the house as a result of some other happenstance.

ED: I've never said the two can't be related, simply that there is no compelling reason to believe that they are. I believe that once you see this, you will sleep soundly, aware that the fear that seems to be bothering you is baseless.

MARY: So you are of the opinion that the two noises are not connected?

ED: I am of the opinion that there was only one noise. I had only conceded to the existence of the first noise in an attempt to persuade you to stop worrying.

MARY: It would seem to me that what you have presented is hardly a case to stop worrying. There is little compelling reason to accept a view other than the view that the sounds are connected. It comes from the axiom that the simplest theory is most likely correct. What is simpler: two unusual things creating one unusual noise each or one unusual thing creating two unusual noises?

ED: The question hardly seems relevant, given that I have not admitted to hearing a first noise.

MARY: But you thought you did.

ED: Indeed. It was a misperception. Frankly, I think the simplest theory at this point would be that the second noise was also a result of a misperception on my part.

MARY: In that case, my only worry would be for your hearing. However, I, too, heard the voice. Is it simpler to say that you and I had identical misperceptions or that we had identical correct perceptions?

ED: Likely the latter.

MARY: Then the second voice was real!

ED: You've showed very little. I had conceded to this. It was, in fact, one of the premises that drove me to conclude I had not heard a first noise.

MARY: But how can you trust it?

ED: You heard the same thing I did, and we've agreed that it's more likely we both accurately perceived it than misperceived.

MARY: No! How can you trust what it said? It can't possibly know what you did or did not hear.

ED: I agree that it couldn't be privy to my inner mental states. However, it could be aware of the environment and aware that the conditions required for me to hear something were not met.

MARY: In other words, it heard nothing, so you couldn't have heard something?

ED: Exactly. So long as we are using "hear" as a technical term that denotes the ability to detect sound waves.

MARY: But what if it's lying?

ED: Why would it do that?

MARY: If it created the first noise and wanted to hide its presence.

ED: While I have maintained that there is was only one noise, you have held that there were two, and that they were created by the same thing. If I accept, again, that there were two noises, it hardly seems to me that that object, if its goal were to be clandestine, would create a second noise. As such, the precepts of your theory leave me unconcerned. They should leave you in a similar state.

MARY: But, perhaps by your theory you should be concerned. You believe the second noise - or the only noise in your theory - was caused by something that can both speak and hear?

ED: Yes.

MARY: And isn't it a bit unusual for something that can speak and hear - and isn't us - to be in this room?

ED: Yes.

MARY: Given that unusual circumstance, shouldn't you be concerned?

ED: Indeed.

MARY: Well, aren't you going to get concerned?

ED: I am now.

MARY: You don't seem to be.

ED: I said I am. Does that not lend itself to the perception that I am, in fact, concerned?

MARY: I expected more of a show of concern.

ED: More of a show than an explicit admission?

MARY: Tension in your voice, or springing to your feet, or... or....

ED: So, you don't believe that I am concerned if I am not acting in those ways, my explicit admission to the contrary?

MARY: Might not one lie about being concerned?

ED: Might not one behave in those ways without being concerned?

MARY: Touché.

ED: Mary, I am concerned. But I am also tired. Let us go to sleep and worry tomorrow about whatever unusual thing in our room can speak and hear.

MARY: And if it means us harm?

ED: It had ample opportunity while we spoke. If it meant us harm, we would be harmed by now. Go to sleep, my love.

[They kiss goodnight.]

ED: Goodnight.

MARY: Goodnight.

THIRD VOICE: Goodnight.