On Shit Talk

I received the following e-mail in one of my fantasy football leagues:

We believe this is a new era in the fantasy football league. Not only do the Barbie Dream Drafters know good football, but this is the year the dudes are gonna be taught what it's like to be overpowered and outsmarted by these intelligent feminine football masterminds! Saddle up folks Prepare for an amazing adventure in our pink Barbie convertible!

I'd like to address this supposed "shit talking" on a point-by-point basis here, as I believe shit talk is woefully lacking in the text I just presented:

1. We believe this is a new era in the fantasy football league.

This is a factual statement. There are new players and new rules, thus engendering a new era. Your statement as such cannot be considered shit talk as the only factual statements that can be considered shit talk are those that point out the ways in which your team is considerably better than another team.

Consider:
"My team is called Barbie Dream Draft. Ha ha ha." Not shit talk.

"Your starting quarterback just tore his hamstring. Ha ha ha." Definitely shit talk.

2. Not only do the Barbie Dream Drafters know good football

Doubtful. You drafted Brett Favre in the Fourth round. (See previous statement on factual statements being acceptable as shit talk.)

To stay on point, however, this statement lacks status as shit talk because it is a normative evaluation of your football knowledge rather than a comparative statement about your knowledge and that of your opponent. To be shit talk you would have to make it very clear that your normative evaluation of the quality being discussed somehow makes you better than your opponent.

Consider:
"We know good football." Not shit talk.

"My expansive football knowledge dwarfs the pathetic handful of factoids you cling to as your hope for success." Definitely shit talk.

3. but this is the year

This transition when coupled with the statement that follows it does not fulfill the requirements set forth in point number two to create shit talk. The word "but" coupled with the language "not only" functions essentially as the word "and" would, thus creating two unrelated statements. To properly link these two statements in such a way to form shit talk, they should be linked causally.

Consider:
"We know good football and we are gonna teach you blah blah blah." Not shit talk.

"We know good football, so come week six when you're trying to figure out which of your third-stringers to start in place of your injury-prone starter, we'll be trying to figure out which of our four top-performers to bench because we have such a glut of talent." Definitely shit talk.

4. the dudes are gonna be taught what it's like to be overpowered and outsmarted by these intelligent feminine football masterminds!

This is the closest the e-mail ever comes to shit talk. However, its great flaw is that rests on the assumption that women are worse at fantasy football than men. This isn't a problem because it's untrue. (I'm guessing that it's usually true, in fact.) It's a problem because accepting this assumption causes the shit talker to take the lowest pedestal from which to shit talk. One should always talk shit from the highest position, as the whole point of shit talking is to remind your opponents that you are better than they are.

Consider:
"I know you think of me as your inferior, but the season's results will force you to accept that I am not." Not shit talk.

"All the people of the world will be forced to take notice of my greatness because it will be drawn in contrast to my opponents' inferiority at a level of comparison last experienced when God said 'let there be light.'" Definitely shit talk.

5. Saddle up folks Prepare for an amazing adventure in our pink Barbie convertible!

An amazing adventure in a pink convertible hardly seems like a threat. In fact, it sounds like the plot of a sleazy movie. When making threats, aim for a humiliating reminder of the fact that you are better than your opponent.

Consider:
"Prepare for an amazing adventure in our pink Barbie convertible." Not shit talk.

"When I win, you'll be scrubbing my pink convertible with your tongue just to get a taste of what it's like to be as amazing as I am." Definitely shit talk.

If you were wondering, I sent this friendly primer on shit talking to the Barbie Dream Drafters along with this last warning:

"If you think I tore that e-mail to pieces, wait until I face your fantasy team." Definitely shit talk.